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5 not good reasons to avoid BDSM

Article by Sam Knottypup
Illustration by Mathilde Corbeil

Throughout my human life (because I also have a puppy life – but more on that later…), I sometimes experience situations that give me a distorted image of what I consider myself to be and I have to accept it. That happens to you too. Getting caught at work (and having to deal with it). Getting caught masturbating (and having to deal with it). Discovering that you like being tied up for fun (and having to accept it)…

Today, I feel like sharing with you how I was able to open up to alternative sexuality (and how to accept it).

If the words bondage, sadism, masochism, domination or submission used to frighten me, I was lucky to be kindly introduced to this range of unusual and frankly pleasant sensations. I then realized that I was the one imposing judgements and limits on myself.

There may be valid reasons for rejecting BDSM practices, for example the reactivation of personal traumas. On the other hand, let me present you the 5 worst reasons you could give me to tell me that BDSM is really not for you.

1. "I PREFER SEX WHEN IT'S SOFT AND SENSUAL"





In kinky jargon, we would say that you like vanilla sex.

First of all, it’s important to disassociate “sex” and “sensorial experimentation”. Sex as we know it is often not at the heart of BDSM practices. 

The kink seeks to make you experience out of ordinary sensations in order to give you pleasure in a different way. If it leads to sex and if you feel like it, then great! The first time I witnessed a BDSM scene, I was overwhelmed by the respect, tenderness and love that it was transpiring. In short, do you enjoy sensual experiences? Well, then give yourself the right to discover a BDSM practice at your own pace with someone you trust. 

2. "I DON'T LIKE PAIN."





Pain is not mandatory in BDSM practices. If you don’t feel like experimenting pain, start with experimenting practices that don’t necessitate it, like restriction, control, or dressage games. Even if certain practices like fire play can seem very spectacular, they are actually as relaxing and painless as a massage at the spa. Also, a hot wax hair removal session is much more unpleasant than many kinky practices! That being said, pain can be part of your search… for pleasure! When I started on the scene, I was adamant: I don’t want pain. I don’t like being in pain, probably like you. That was underestimating the power of endorphins! When we play with pain, we go about it gradually. Thus the body releases substances that reduce sensitivity to pain. These endorphins give us a great feeling of excessively pleasant euphoria that can last up to a few days!

3. "I DON'T WANT TO LOSE CONTROL, I'M SCARED IT WILL GO TOO FAR."





Since many practices play on physical boundaries (like pain games) or with control withdrawal (like bondage or master and slave games), an unwavering emphasis is placed on safety and renewed consent. These are golden rules.

Contrary to what it suggests, the receiver is in control of many things. If a practice goes too far, they can withdraw their consent at any time and use a pre-determined safe word to immediately stop the game.

A person who breaks the boundaries will not be endorsed by the community. It’s therefore very safe to start your explorations in group events, because the people present are handpicked and supervised during the evening.

Ultimately, you may simply be made to become a dominant person who will take control over others…

4. "I AM WAY TOO SHY AND PRUDE."





The first time you attend a BDSM event might be impressive. Still, you will discover a welcoming and caring community. You can show up with your clothes. No need to undress to experiment with the senses. As a matter of fact, some fetishes are based on clothes (latex, leather, rubber). You can also just watch.

You will quickly notice that kinks are an extraordinary way to reclaim your body. Just like the diversity of fetishes, body diversity is accepted with open arms in these communities. One day, I will tell you how my kink practice helped me regain confidence in my body image!

5. "I'M SCARED TO BE JUDGED."





Do not be ashamed of your interest for BDSM. Discretion is key in our community.

To help you get started, certain practices such as pet play can feature masks. The mask offers a space of mental liberation that some compare to meditation but also has the double advantage of preserving your anonymity.

Regardless of the context, your biggest enemy is always your own judgment of yourself. Society places expectations and limits on us. Welcoming BDSM also means cracking open the standard and normative mold that is suggested by our environment and that we impose on ourselves.

It’s a great gift you can give yourself. Because whether you end up loving BDSM or not, the simple fact of having allowed yourself to explore something outside of the norm will help you realize that your true beauty lies in your uniqueness!
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Sam Knottypup

Active in the Montreal puppy community since 2016 under the pseudonym of Pup Knotty, Sam uses his political and cinematic knowledge to fight for struggles over body, sexual and gender diversity. In 2019, he contributed to the debates against the acceptability policies imposed on LGBTQIA2S+ communities when the photo of a young girl petting him as a puppy went viral on social networks. From then on, he participated in several Canadian media initiatives to demystify and humanize fetishistic practices.